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Dancing On The Precipice
Mar. 12th, 2014 08:04 pmOver the years my depression has very slowly, but relatively steadily, gotten worse. At first it meant that it took me all day to get in my 8 hours of work. Then I had to spend weekends catching. Then I had to spend holidays and vacations trying to catch up as well. Eventually even that wasn't enough as I found myself only able to put in 3-4 hours of work each day.
This all came to a head three weeks ago when I finally ran out of excuses and sent my boss an email admitting that the depression had overwhelmed me and I simply wasn't putting in the time. He didn't respond for the rest of that day. I figured he was consulting with HR about what how to handle the situation, and I was right. The next day he called me and laid out my options. I could take medical leave until I was better. If I didn't take leave then I would have to be online and available 9-5 (my time), put in my 8 hours of work each day, respond to emails in a timely manner, keep my work logs up to date, and let him know immediately about any slippages. Although the word "probation" was never spoken, that's what it is.
I declined to take medical leave. Depression is not a temporary illness which can be cured with a bit of bed rest and fresh air. It's a chronic illness that you have to learn to live with. Drugs and therapy can help, but they rarely dispel it altogether. I was also concerned that without the structure that work provided, I would just sink deeper into the pit.
The fear of losing my source of income has done a damned good job of jarring me out of my despondence, but I know from past experience that the effect is temporary and that the depression will begin to reassert itself soon enough. Indeed it already has begun to do so. So I've been using this grace period to do what I can to help myself and get help from others. I've set alarms to go to bed by midnight and get up by eight, every day, even on weekends. If I can get the habit ingrained it will make it easier to keep it up when the depression swoops back in. Plus, I know that keeping a regular sleep schedule helps to lessen the effects of my depression in the first place.
I've also gotten my doctor to double my dose of paxil and refer me to Mental Health Services. I had my intake interview on Monday and will likely start with group counseling later in the month. There's also a local depression support group that I'm going to start attending next Tuesday. Hopefully the groups will provide me with some tools to better manage the disease but I know that simply being more social will help to lift the curtain a bit. And who knows, I might even make some friends. I could use some: I've lived here for 15 years now and only made two.
I know this all sounds very, well, depressing, but my mood these past three weeks has been much brighter. I've actually been managing to get my working hours in. I'm still not getting all my hours in by 5pm each day, but I am putting in a full week's worth by the end of Friday. Not only does it feel good to be getting things done again, but it feels great to hit the weekend knowing that I don't have anything work-related hanging over me.
On the sleep front, with the exception of two days when I had stomach flu, I've been keeping to my sleep schedule. However, a combination of the sudden changes and the increase in my medication has meant that most nights I don't sleep very well and still feel tired when I get up. I had similar problems when I first went on the paxil and am confident that things will settle down in another week or two. Once I'm getting a good night's sleep each night it should be easier to concentrate on work and get all my hours in by 5pm.
Right now all of my free time is spent vegetating because I have no brain left after work. Here again I am pinning my hopes on improved sleep giving me more energy to do the things that I'd like to do, like work on the 3D printer and get out geocaching. That in turn should do its bit to push back the depression.
So, it's been a difficult time for me of late, and my situation is somewhat perilous, but at last I have hope that things can get better for me.
This all came to a head three weeks ago when I finally ran out of excuses and sent my boss an email admitting that the depression had overwhelmed me and I simply wasn't putting in the time. He didn't respond for the rest of that day. I figured he was consulting with HR about what how to handle the situation, and I was right. The next day he called me and laid out my options. I could take medical leave until I was better. If I didn't take leave then I would have to be online and available 9-5 (my time), put in my 8 hours of work each day, respond to emails in a timely manner, keep my work logs up to date, and let him know immediately about any slippages. Although the word "probation" was never spoken, that's what it is.
I declined to take medical leave. Depression is not a temporary illness which can be cured with a bit of bed rest and fresh air. It's a chronic illness that you have to learn to live with. Drugs and therapy can help, but they rarely dispel it altogether. I was also concerned that without the structure that work provided, I would just sink deeper into the pit.
The fear of losing my source of income has done a damned good job of jarring me out of my despondence, but I know from past experience that the effect is temporary and that the depression will begin to reassert itself soon enough. Indeed it already has begun to do so. So I've been using this grace period to do what I can to help myself and get help from others. I've set alarms to go to bed by midnight and get up by eight, every day, even on weekends. If I can get the habit ingrained it will make it easier to keep it up when the depression swoops back in. Plus, I know that keeping a regular sleep schedule helps to lessen the effects of my depression in the first place.
I've also gotten my doctor to double my dose of paxil and refer me to Mental Health Services. I had my intake interview on Monday and will likely start with group counseling later in the month. There's also a local depression support group that I'm going to start attending next Tuesday. Hopefully the groups will provide me with some tools to better manage the disease but I know that simply being more social will help to lift the curtain a bit. And who knows, I might even make some friends. I could use some: I've lived here for 15 years now and only made two.
I know this all sounds very, well, depressing, but my mood these past three weeks has been much brighter. I've actually been managing to get my working hours in. I'm still not getting all my hours in by 5pm each day, but I am putting in a full week's worth by the end of Friday. Not only does it feel good to be getting things done again, but it feels great to hit the weekend knowing that I don't have anything work-related hanging over me.
On the sleep front, with the exception of two days when I had stomach flu, I've been keeping to my sleep schedule. However, a combination of the sudden changes and the increase in my medication has meant that most nights I don't sleep very well and still feel tired when I get up. I had similar problems when I first went on the paxil and am confident that things will settle down in another week or two. Once I'm getting a good night's sleep each night it should be easier to concentrate on work and get all my hours in by 5pm.
Right now all of my free time is spent vegetating because I have no brain left after work. Here again I am pinning my hopes on improved sleep giving me more energy to do the things that I'd like to do, like work on the 3D printer and get out geocaching. That in turn should do its bit to push back the depression.
So, it's been a difficult time for me of late, and my situation is somewhat perilous, but at last I have hope that things can get better for me.
