Obligations
Jul. 27th, 2013 01:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
deaneI have an odd and unproductive relationship with obligations. The moment that I start to view something as an obligation is when I begin shying away from it, seeking excuses to avoid it. Even if it's something that I would normally enjoy doing, my joy evaporates if I feel that I'm obliged to do it.
Take this journal as an example. I've never been a very consistent diarist. I might hammer out entries three days in a row, then disappear for a couple of weeks. But the longer my absence the greater the feeling of obligation that when I do post, it should be something substantial, something worth the wait. It doesn't take long before that barrier becomes too high to surmount. In this most recent absence I've several times had interesting little tidbits that I wanted to post but did not do so because they were not significant enough to meet my perceived obligation.
Intellectually I know that it's all bullshit. Very few people read this journal to begin with and those that do are not waiting with bated breath for each entry that I make. Nor are they expecting gems of wisdom or great worldly insights from me. (If they are then clearly they've not been reading me for long enough.) But emotionally the obligation is still there.
I think a large part of my antipathy toward obligations stems from a fear of failure. An obligation implies expectations and therefore the possibility that those expectations will not be met. Without the obligation there's no one to disappoint but myself, and while I do feel many obligations toward myself, failing to meet my own expectations is less of a barrier than failing to meet those of others. Which, when you think about it, is a complete reversal of what my priorities should be.
I know that I need to learn not to fear failure, especially when the consequences are negligible. I'm just not sure how to go about it. But if you see infrequent and inconsequential posts from me in the future, you'll know that I'm trying.
Take this journal as an example. I've never been a very consistent diarist. I might hammer out entries three days in a row, then disappear for a couple of weeks. But the longer my absence the greater the feeling of obligation that when I do post, it should be something substantial, something worth the wait. It doesn't take long before that barrier becomes too high to surmount. In this most recent absence I've several times had interesting little tidbits that I wanted to post but did not do so because they were not significant enough to meet my perceived obligation.
Intellectually I know that it's all bullshit. Very few people read this journal to begin with and those that do are not waiting with bated breath for each entry that I make. Nor are they expecting gems of wisdom or great worldly insights from me. (If they are then clearly they've not been reading me for long enough.) But emotionally the obligation is still there.
I think a large part of my antipathy toward obligations stems from a fear of failure. An obligation implies expectations and therefore the possibility that those expectations will not be met. Without the obligation there's no one to disappoint but myself, and while I do feel many obligations toward myself, failing to meet my own expectations is less of a barrier than failing to meet those of others. Which, when you think about it, is a complete reversal of what my priorities should be.
I know that I need to learn not to fear failure, especially when the consequences are negligible. I'm just not sure how to go about it. But if you see infrequent and inconsequential posts from me in the future, you'll know that I'm trying.
